The Sacrifice Trap: Why is life such a constant struggle?

A highlight of the week :

You wake up early, rush through your morning routine, battle traffic to get to work, spend the day juggling deadlines and meetings, only to come home exhausted—too drained to enjoy time with family or pursue your passions. You wonder, Why does every day feel like a race I can never win? Why is life such a constant struggle?

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on the role of sacrifice in my life. 

Being a doctor, somehow I was made to believe that sacrifice was an inevitable part of my job.

Theoretically, I should not feel guilty if I have to cancel weekend plans to see a patient because that is what I had agreed to do all my life when I decided to become a doctor. 

Growing up, I was taught that sacrifice was the ultimate price — the key to success, love, and respect. 

We must pay back our parents for their sacrifices with good marks and stable jobs, our manager for going to work even if we are sick and our partners and children for doing things that we never wished to.

But somewhere along the way, I realised that not all sacrifices are created equal. Some build you up, while others quietly tear you down.

Introduction to sacrifice:

I always used to wonder why is the concept of sacrifice so ingrained into our life and culture.

Unlike other things we have learned from the Western world, our love for sacrifice seems to be inherently our own. 

And I wasn’t surprised when I read the Hindu concept of debt and sacrifice by Devdutt Pattnaik, one of my favourite authors.

He says: When a man is born he is born in debt (rinn). This is the Hindu concept of debt. He is obliged to repay his ancestors without whom he would have a lineage.

He is obliged to his parents who raise him. 

He is obliged to his community and culture. 

He is obliged to the gods and sages. And he is obliged to nature at large. 

So he spends his entire life repaying his debts. This is dharma. 

If done dutifully without expectations, he can liberate himself from all debts. This is moksha.

If done half-heartedly, or conditionally, he entraps himself in the web of karma and is reborn once again carrying the burden of debt.

So, we are introduced to sacrifice as an important thing right from our childhood. 

“sacrifice playtime to study well”, “sacrifice health to earn money”, “sacrifice personal wishes for the family honour” and the list never ends.

It never ends because it has become part of our culture, like a feature deeply embedded in the operating system of life. 

This idea isn’t inherently bad. In fact, it teaches us resilience and empathy. But it also lays the foundation for something more complicated.

Misunderstood Sacrifice:

Many people sacrifice time, health, and relationships without clear goals, driven by societal pressures or inherited beliefs rather than personal purpose. It’s like running a rat race of making bigger and bigger sacrifices because we were taught that sacrifices lead to something good in the future. 

The assumption that struggle itself is a green flag and will eventually lead to something good can lead to burnout and a lack of fulfilment.

For example : 

At Home: Parents often model sacrifice as love. We see them putting aside their own desires for the family’s well-being. We learn that being a "good" child means sacrificing playtime to study, sharing toys, or helping around the house. 

This makes us believe that sacrifice means responsibility and love.

At School: The education system reinforces this by rewarding hard work and discipline. Sacrificing leisure for grades is celebrated. 

Makes us believe: that success requires sacrifice, and only those willing to give up fun or personal time are worthy of achievement.

Marriage: Social expectations dictate that good spouses sacrifice personal ambitions, hobbies, or even self-care for the family.

We could keep track of sacrifices when we were younger, but the real struggle started when we became adults.

Somewhere in that grind, we forgot what were we struggling for. The struggle became the compass of the right direction. 

When sacrifice becomes the core of one’s identity, it can become toxic:

• Self-Worth Tied to Sacrifice: People start believing that their value lies in how much they give up. This leads to a martyr complex, where suffering becomes a source of validation.

• Emotional Manipulation: In relationships, toxic sacrifice often manifests as guilt-tripping (“After all I’ve done for you…”), creating unhealthy dynamics.

• Loss of Self: People lose their identity outside their roles (doctor, spouse, parent) because they’ve defined themselves by their sacrifices.

How to Identify Toxic Sacrifice?

Just like we know stolen money is trouble but money earned through honest work is rightfully ours, we must learn to identify which type of sacrifice is good for us and which will lead us to trouble. 

There are a few tell-tale signs of unhealthy sacrifice. 

1. Resentment and Bitterness: If your sacrifice breeds resentment rather than fulfilment, it’s likely toxic.

2. Emotional Manipulation: If sacrifices are used to control or guilt others, they are unhealthy.

3. Neglect of Self-Care: If you consistently sacrifice your health, happiness, or passions, leading to burnout or depression, the sacrifice is toxic.

4. Lack of Purpose: When sacrifices are made out of habit, social pressure, or fear of judgment rather than a clear purpose or value, they become meaningless.

How To Escape The Sacrifice Trap?

We can start by asking ourselves a few reflective questions, to help us clear our thoughts. 

Consider them like journaling prompts and jot down the answers in a book or your phone as you ponder upon these questions. 

Clarity of Purpose

• Why am I making this sacrifice? Is it for a clear and meaningful goal, like health, financial freedom, or personal growth?

• What is the bigger picture? How does this sacrifice align with my long-term vision or values?

If you can clearly articulate the purpose and it resonates with your core values, the sacrifice is likely purposeful.

Value Alignment

• Does this sacrifice align with my personal values? Are you giving up something because it genuinely supports a value you hold (e.g., sacrificing leisure time to learn a skill that fulfills you)?

If the sacrifice feels authentic and consistent with your identity, it’s more likely to be purposeful.

Emotional Response

• How do I feel about this sacrifice? Do you feel resentment, bitterness, or a sense of loss? Or does it bring a sense of fulfillment, motivation, or peace?

Purposeful sacrifices often come with a sense of positive anticipation or acceptance, even if they are challenging.

Impact Assessment

• What positive change will this bring? Will this sacrifice positively impact your life or the lives of others in a meaningful way? Is the outcome worth the cost? 

Evaluate if the benefits truly outweigh the costs, not just in material terms but also in emotional and mental well-being.

Choice and Autonomy

• Is this a conscious choice? Are you sacrificing willingly, or do you feel pressured by societal expectations or others’ opinions?

Purposeful sacrifices are made out of choice and autonomy, not out of compulsion or obligation.

Reviewing Results and Progress

• Am I seeing progress or positive results? If your sacrifice is purposeful, you should see some signs of progress, growth, or movement towards your goal.

Regularly evaluate the impact. If the sacrifice isn’t yielding the expected benefits, reconsider or adjust your approach.

Reevaluation and Flexibility

• Am I open to changing my approach if needed? Purposeful sacrifices are adaptable. If circumstances change or the goal becomes irrelevant, purposeful people are willing to pivot.

Being rigid or stubborn about a sacrifice, despite clear signs that it's not serving you, might indicate a lack of purpose.

Sustainability

• Can I maintain this sacrifice without harming my well-being? Purposeful sacrifices are sustainable in the long run and don’t lead to burnout or resentment.

If the sacrifice is severely impacting your health, relationships, or mental peace, it may be time to reconsider.

Moving Forward: Focusing on Meaningful Sacrifice

So now that we have some idea of how to separate good sacrifice from bad sacrifice, we can start developing an eye for doing meaningful, healthy sacrifices and staying away from toxic ones. 

Identify Yourself Without Sacrifices: Redefine your identity beyond your roles. Who are you without your job, family, or societal expectations?

Intentional Sacrifice: Make sacrifices consciously and for a clear purpose, not out of habit or obligation.

Communicate Needs: In relationships, communicate your needs and expectations clearly to avoid one-sided sacrifices.

Seek Balance: Balance giving and receiving. Take time for self-care and fulfilment to avoid burnout.

Mentorship and Role Models: Look up to role models who live balanced lives and redefine traditional roles without sacrificing their identities.

Reflecting on my journey, I’ve come to see that sacrifice isn’t inherently good or bad. It’s all about purpose and perspective. When we sacrifice mindfully and meaningfully, it enriches our lives. But when we sacrifice out of obligation, guilt, or social pressure, it can quietly destroy us.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed or resentful, take a moment to ask yourself: Is this sacrifice truly worth it? And if not, maybe it’s time to redefine what sacrifice means to you.

I’d love to hear from you. Have you ever found yourself trapped in toxic sacrifice? How did you break free? Hit reply and share your story—I read every response.

And if you found this reflection meaningful, feel free to share it with someone who might need a fresh perspective on sacrifice.

Until next time,

Vishal